An Angel's Torment
by UnicornGoddess95
Summary: Edward's thoughts and fears come out while he watches Bella sleep. What does the monster inside him have to say? Can he accept Bella's fate of becoming a cold one? Angst & Fluff. Enjoy!


**An Angel's Torment**

_A/N: This takes place some time after the end of New Moon. It's some random weekend day where Edward is watching Bella sleep. _

_Disclaimer: I stake no claim to the ideas and characters. They are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I am grateful for them._

_For those of you the read the original 'An Angel's Torment'…Thank You! Your reviews were nice encouragement. _

_I changed a few areas of this scene. This will eventually work out to compliment my full-length story 'What Comes Full Circle'. I will post an A/N in the chapter that this will compliment the story line. _

_**Edward's pov**_

As I lay next to Bella wrapped in my arms, so warm, so innocent, so…human. I would have given anything for the gift of sleep. A moment for my mind to stop, to cease on the dwellings created by my own suffering consciousness.

I took a moment to admire her beauty. Her soft, warm skin next to my stone cold body, her burgundy hair flowing softly across her pillow while she slowly breathed in and out in the midst of her deep sleep. I cherished her. More than I could ever express. You would think a man would feel ecstatic with love like this. Elated. Joyful. True love…who knew it could exist? Was it even real or just a figment of some fairy tale imagination? I shuttered at the thought.

Bella was so alive. Seeping with life and pureness…and yet, she wanted a life of eternal damnation, the life of a vampire. I couldn't harbor doing that to her. I know I gave her my condition, but deep down part of me wanted her to reject it and run to Jacob. Even though he was now a monster of a different breed, at least he could keep her warm at night and live the mortal live I never would.

I sighed, wrapped in my sorrow and frustration over the love of my life. I wished and pleaded with myself to reach my decision, to feel relief or acceptance towards the issue. I turned on my side to embrace Bella closer, carefully wrapping her quilt between us to prevent my cold skin from waking her. She made soft noises and pressed herself closer to me, so sweet. God…how I loved her. I placed my lips in her hair, inhaled deeply and went back to fighting with my thoughts.

What did I love about Bella? Everything. Her warmth, her crimson cheeks, her beating heart, her face when she was angry, her acceptance…I loved her life. But what exactly is life? My scholarly mind interjected to inform me that life is the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms…metabolism, growth, reproduction and adaptation to environment. It distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead objects. Life could also be animate existence of an individual. It's the general, universal condition of human existence. And Bella wanted me to steal that from her in the name of love?

I pressed my lips closer to her head. Feeling her hair on my face. I pulled her closer noticing a pain in my chest that I didn't know I could possibly feel. My chest felt tight, sharp like a million glass shards wanted to escape at once, to pour from my very existence. I cringed. Is this what Bella felt when I left her? A wave of utter remorse washed over me. To think the worst mistake I ever made caused pain such as this. Such torment. All because I lied to myself, convinced myself that she deserved better than me. At that pure moment, I felt that _if_ I were human, tears would be streaming uncontrollably down my face. Tears of pain and regret for what I inflicted on my one true love. I did not deserve her forgiveness, or her love. The vampire was not the only monster this time.

I know that Bella loves me, undeniably, unconditionally. I wanted her for eternity, and that eternity could only come from a soulless fate. Could I steal the very essence that made her human? The selfish monster inside my head said yes! My heart screamed never! But…was my existence so foul? The gift of eternal life…it has long been sought by humans...the fountain of youth, the Holy Grail. Even heaven promised eternity for some; maybe our heaven was eternity on earth, disregarding eternal damnation. That sparked a whole new agenda. I sighed, annoyed at the thoughts my mind desired to bring forth.

Suddenly, Bella started to murmur softly in her sleep. I quickly capped my thoughts, smiled and prepared to enjoy my brief glimpse into her subconscious. I softly brushed her cheek and kissed her head.

"Edward?" She whispered.

"I'm here my love," I whispered as I pulled her closer to me, holding her tenderly.

"Please…Edward…please don't leave me...I love you." She shivered in her sleep, a tremble of fear I was sure.

My emotions raced. The pain and distrust I've inflicted. "Bella, my love, I will never leave you." I pulled on her even tighter and spoke barely above a whisper. "I promise, I swear with all my heart and whatever remnants of a soul I have left. I am yours…_forever_." I felt my chest explode…feelings of joy and pain, confused as one, as I pulled her even closer against me, as if sealing my whispered promise to her.

Bella's eyes fluttered open at the sudden encasement of her body next to mine; she turned her head to face me.

"Are you okay Edward?" She whispered in a sleepy slur. "You look mortified…was I having a nightmare again?"

"No Bella, you were just whispering in your sleep about me again." I moved over and kissed her softly on her warm lips, her smile reflecting at me in the soft moonlight filtering through her window.

"Why do I not believe you, Edward," she stated harshly.

"Bella, darling." I sighed in defeat. "I wish I could take the pain away, the hole I left you to fill without me. If I could suffer these nightmares for you, I would." I kissed her cheek softly and stared into her beautiful, accepting brown eyes.

"Edward, I would never ask you to do such a thing," she murmured softly.

"I know, Bella…I don't know how to make you understand I will not leave you again." My face felt strained, full of torment and pain. "I love you with all of the humanity I have left to give. I want…I _need_ you, completely…mind, body, and soul. I could never survive without your presence in my life. I can't survive more starless nights. You've given my life reason, pleasure, and purpose again. For that…I can never repay you." I looked down towards her pillow and strangled out, "I love you, Bella."

My throat felt tight, in the human way, I looked up to meet her eyes again. I could see the tears starting to shine in her eyes. I desired to kiss them away, to infuse her soul with happiness. Was love always this painful?

I saw Bella take a deep breath, trying to hold back her encroaching tears. "Edward, my life feels complete now that you are back…I can't stop my fears at this moment, not yet…I," she hung her head in shame or deep thought.

"Bella, please…tell me what you are thinking. No masks, no barriers. I need to know…please."

"I can't live my life in fear of losing you," she whimpered.

"I've told you, I," her finger pressed against my lips to silence me.

"I know your promise, Edward. But how long will you really stay with me? You are forever seventeen, forever young, forever beautiful." I could feel her body start to tremble with fear and sadness. I lay frozen, still with fear. "I will not live forever, Edward. I am only human."

"Bella, you know my condition…"

"Yes, I know your condition." Her tears were freely flowing. "I'm afraid you'll find a way out, you'll find a way to leave me human. I just wish you could see that your fears of my mortality don't matter to me! I want you…and only you. I don't want to grow old without you. Do you desire to watch me year by year, day by day approach an inevitable demise?" She started to sob uncontrollably.

I pulled her around to face me while gently kissing her sweet tears away. I no longer craved her blood like the savage beast of our first encounter. I craved her being in its entirety. Her blood was now only a minor intoxicating inconvenience to me. I reveled in her fragrant body, the taste of her skin and her tears. My thoughts raced painfully as I raised her wet face to my neck, resting my chin on the top of her head.

"Bella, please…calm down. I mean you no further harm. You hold my cold, dead, fragile heart in your warm loving hands; never forget that."

"I know you love me, Edward…I just need to know I'll always be with you."

"I will always be here for you, Bella."

"I just hope I can reciprocate." She sighed. I could see sleep was trying to pull her back under.

I adjusted her pillow under her head, the quilt between us and slowly stroked her hair. "You will," I whispered as I kissed her forehead.

I felt her inhale deeply and relax, scooting as close to me as she could. I continued to caress her soft, silky hair. It only took a matter of moments before she was once again deep asleep, her eyes moving rapidly under her eyelids, back into restful REM sleep. All my mind could think was, _so beautiful. _

And _human._

I inhaled her intoxicating scent. Why did my mind do this to me? Why could I not just accept her wishes for our future and enjoy her humanity while I could? It felt as if my monster was playing Russian roulette with my dead heart. I felt so angry with myself. I could be the worst mistake she ever made, but that didn't seem to matter anymore.

I pondered my existence, my life so to speak. I remembered in Italy when she crashed into me in the plaza. At that moment, heaven existed to me. I didn't choose this life, why should I be denied an afterlife? After all…are we judged on our biological existence or the choices we make and the lives we choose to lead? Maybe what Carlisle believed was untrue? Maybe we were created for no reason, just a random adaptation, a freak of nature in the darkest hour. Deep inside, I felt there had to be something more.

I replayed the history lessons of the past. Since the dawn of time humans have wondered and debated the existence of a higher power, an after life, heaven and hell. Religion and history displayed so much ignorance. Sadly, that ignorance usually ended in tragedy by hundreds upon hundred of innocents slain out of fear of an unknown faith. Maybe all faiths and beliefs held merit. From Jainism to Catholicism, most faiths taught a similar message. Maybe…just maybe it didn't matter what we believed or what we were. I could only hope we would be judged on our conscious choices.

And then…it seemed to hit me, like…my own personal epiphany. I realized I needed to allow Bella her free will to chose her belief. I couldn't make this choice for myself or for her. This is her destiny, her free will to decide…something none of us Cullen's ever had…a choice. It was the least I could do for her. Her choice to become a vampire. I felt utter relief in that thought.

The tension inside me subsided a little. I knew what Bella's choice would be. The selfish part of me rejoiced; for, I would have her by my side forever. That would be my version of heaven. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it would be a painful journey for the both of us. The pain I would inflict…such burning pain to her fragile body. Then to be forced to sit by and do nothing as she slowly perished to the flames. I would stay by her side for all the support and comfort I could offer, even though it would not be enough to erase her intense, hot pain. I thought of her with the thirst of a new vampire. I myself know the feeling of utter desire for human blood. She would most likely be upset with me, trying to keep her to our 'vegetarian' diet. Bella would overcome…I know she will, but the path to acceptance will prove to be a long and treacherous journey.

I smiled to myself gazing at Bella resting peacefully, so serene. I could give her this gift, her choice. I would request to enjoy her humanity for a while longer. No doubt I would miss her blushing cheeks, her warm body, her 'human moments'. Yet…having her in my life, with me for eternity would be worth the price of this choice…that is, _if_ she accepts _my_ condition.

I chuckled to myself, eager to confess my news to her. I looked at her sleeping face, caressed her cheek…she was eager for eternal damnation…yet petrified of marriage. It reminded me of her feat with James. Willing to sacrifice her life for everyone she loves, as long as it does not involve needles in any way shape or form. I rolled me eyes and placed a kiss on her lips. Oh Bella, how I love you…my precious, silly Bella.


End file.
